Post-Fathers Day special feat. Transformers: The Last Knight.

 

 

And that is why you never let evil run in the family kids.

But.

This post is truly about the mind boggling, nihilism-inducing, sanity-questioning latest Transformer movie that just arrived to Netflix here in Finland.

They are of course finally rebooting the Transformer movies.

 

And because of that Transformers: The Last Knight is a truly interesting glimpse into the chaos and madness that occurs at the end of a cinematic civilization, which is also called The Pirates Of The Caribbean Syndrome.

 

I am not saying that I recommend watching Transformers: The Last Knight, although I kind of am, but at the very least I recommend taking a look at the plot that was actually written by humans and cost about 200 million to make into a live action cinematic ball of wtfckery.

So, without further ado, I give you the plot of Transformers: The Last Knight (1.)

 

In 484 AD, Knights of Iacon, a group of Transformers hiding on Earth  hand Merlin an alien staff & warn Merlin that a great evil will come for the staff.

In the present, Optimus Prime crash-lands on Cybertron, and meets his alleged creator Quintessa.

She blames Optimus for Cybertron’s destruction and brainwashes him into helping to gain Merlin’s staff, which can absorb Earth’s energy to restore Cybertron. Optimus is renamed Nemesis (!!!!) Prime.

Earth is revealed to be the slumbering Unicron, the ancient enemy of Cybertron, and whose horns are emerging across the planet.

What is the quarrel between Unicron and Cybertron, you ask?

On Earth, Cade receives a mechanical talisman from a dying Autobot knight. Both Megatron and the U.S. government become aware of the talisman’s value and power, reluctantly joining forces to obtain it.

Cogman, a steampunk Transformer, appears and invites Cade to the United Kingdom and meet his employer, Sir Edmund Burton, Anthony Hopkins himself, who has connections to the Transformers. Burton also has another Transformer associate find Viviane Wembley, a University of Oxford professor, and bring her to him.

Bringing Cade, Viviane, and Bumblebee together, Burton explains that Transformers have been aiding mankind in war for centuries, their existence hidden by a secret society of famed historical figures, the Order of Witwiccans, of which he is the last living member.

The talisman can lead to Merlin’s staff, buried with him in a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden under the sea. However, only a direct descendant of Merlin can wield it due to the knights encoding his DNA into it. Viviane is revealed as the last of Merlin’s bloodline.

From now on, I am just gonna skip some of the plot points, because

Earth is Unicron, staff drains planet’s life, via access point under Stonehenge.

Obtains the staff, activates it, spacecraft becomes airborne, awakening the Knights of Iacon.

Optimus arrives, battles with Bumblebee. Bumblebee speaks, stirring Optimus’ memories, freeing him from Quintessa’s control. Megatron steals staff. Cades talisman transforms into Excalibur.

Burton tries whatever, only to be mortally wounded. Cybertron collides with Earth, begins draining energy.

Quintessa is defeated by Optimus and Bumblebee. The worlds are saved. In a mid-credits scene, Quintessa is disguised as a human, approaches a group of scientists inspecting one of Unicron’s horns, hopefully offering a way to

 

And that is that.

Kind of makes you want to never see a movie again.

So, here, a series of the telly kind.

 

And lest we forget: trailers, the gateway drug back to movies.

 

And finally, because let’s face it, Transformers’d be a pretty crummy last movie to ever see.

 

  1. Wikipedia

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